so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
