I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
