I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
