my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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