Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
