I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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