It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
