awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
