I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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