I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
