The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
