You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
