YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
my sisters under your porch take her home
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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