It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
