A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
