The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
