Im at strip club and am horny
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
