I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
