I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
