Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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