Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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