why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
