My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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