I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
