They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
