you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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