Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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