Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
