Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
