the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
