you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
