you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
