Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
