while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
