I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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