he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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