Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
