Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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