i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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