He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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