my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
the raccoons are back...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
