two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
