so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
