What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize