we're chasing vodka with high fives
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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