apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
