im drinking this country out of the recession.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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