I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
