Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
