The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
